So Much

I'm realizing that one of the main times when I blog is when things have been tough...and I need to change that. Even though I will talk about this weekend (not so hot) before I do that I think I should say how amazing Mt. Kenya was. It was our long weekend which we left on Friday and didn't come back till Tuesday. I'm discovering too that I LOVE camping. I want to do it more when I get back to the states. But besides that, yes it was a lot of fun. Being only with a few students, two of whom were my girls Jo and Joy (yez zer), petting/ feeding Syke monkeys (AMAZING!), and of course climbing a mountain. NO: I didn't climb to the peak, after having mountain sickness since the night before my body was done and decided that climbing to a good spot to see the sunrise was good enough for me.
When we got back though we were hit with hard new. The Mpiima family suffered the loss of there newborn child Lucy at 32 days old. We had the funeral on Wednesday, which the whole school attended, which I was very proud of them for. It was my first funeral of a child and it hit me...hard. It was really bad. And from there things seemed to spiral down.
Since I have been here calling home has mainly been to let them know I'm alive. But on Thursday I needed my Mom. We talked for an hour of everything that was going on from the funeral, to Darren, other things, about the girls in the dorm. It helped. Until the next day.
Things with the girls have been getting out of control. Once again I am hearing that I don't respect them and that I have not authority or right to tell/ ask them to do anything. Sad to say...it's getting to me. I don't like being walked on, I hate it! But here I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it. You may say well, sure you can, where's the dean? What about the principle?....I guess all I can say in that is I wish things were different in the discipline side of things here. I was so upset about it all that I didn't eat for two days. Just didn't want to. And then Friday happens.
I have another girl who tells me that she will not do what I ask her to do, and tells me that Jesus and church are more important so she stalks out to vespers. I left the dorm around 10:45 that night and was over with Yani and Derek till after midnight balling my eyes out. (I'm very thankful to them, don't know what I'd do without them)
Sabbath was better after letting some of it out, but for the most part I had just turned everything off. It's not hard for me to be an introvert. It's my protection mechanism. Saturday night was fun. The girls club has been doing secret sister all week and that night Winta, Cynthia, Bri and I were putting food together for brunch the next day and hanging out in the office. Lets just say, they were rolling on the floor laughing and I now have two pairs of jeans that have wholes in the butt.
With the brunch and everything going on, I shut down. I did as I was asked, I helped the girls when they needed me, I was where I was suppose to be. Other wise I wasn't there (mentally) I was so mad at the girls. We had been up since 6:30 cooking for them and they are complaining and being so ungrateful. Must be nice to be raised with a silver spoon in your mouth. It's to the point where I just want to be home. I mean I don't want to be home, I just don't want to be a assistant girls dean. It's hard and painful. I don't know how Susan can do it. I guess like Derek said, I just haven't found a way to deal with it.
There's many things that have been on my mind this week. Soo much. Feeling like I've lost a friend (or at least messing things up majorly) to wanting to give up, realizing that it's really time to let go even though it still makes me cry a little. But as I sit here now the big thing that's on my mind is a question that was presented to me twice this week: Where do you want to be in your life?
The first time I aswered I was told it was very generic. Granted that was my answer, and yes also I didn't want to tell something so personal. It takes me a long time to let people in cause once I do, I plan on them sticking around for a long long time. But I've had many who haven't and I'm not ready to cry myself to sleep at night like that again.
It is a good question to ask, and hopefully I'll have an answer one day. But like I told Kent and Susan, " How can I think about twenty years from now, when I'm just trying to make it through today?"
God tells us to not worry about the future for the future has enough worries of it's own. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo.I'm still looking over my shoulder at my past, with my feet in the present but my hand on the door knob of the future. I can say I'm getting better with my past. It still hurts. I can't help but think that something good can happen twice, but I know it can. As a friend pointed out, hopefully I won't put up so many walls that I miss it.