How Am I Doing?....good question.

I don't know where to start. If I can figure out where the beginning is then starting there is probably the best place. For the last several weeks I have just felt...______(in the in blank). I can't even explain it. I have felt out of it, angry, annoyed, upset, frustrated, and probably more than anything... alone. There are times when I wish that I could just go talk with a friend and spill my guts. Just let everything go. But I don't feel like I can do that. The people here are great, but sometimes you need someone who isn't connected to the situation. And in this case there are so many situations that I feel too many people I know are connected.
I say that I've felt all these things and yet there is no way for me to put it into words. (Yes I know; shocking) But I couldn't and probably still can't. But after joint worship I found out I didn't have too. Jessica and I had a big heart to heart and I realized that much of what I was feeling, she was also. We here as a staff are tired. We are worn out. We have run out course. At least that is with most of us. People are so negative here. There isn't much positive and when there is, its never enough; something always has to be wrong. Instead of looking at the students and praising them for there individuality we look at them as a whole and sigh when they walk into the classroom or dorm. There is no more giving amongst us. Or if there is it is few and far between. When I first came here I was ready to do any and everything that was asked of me. You name it, I would do my best to be there and help out. But now...I don't want too. Or at least that was a strong feeling I was having before. Why should I give of my time to help, when no ones will give of theirs? I feel at times like we are stingy, and that in order for us to keep our sanity we don't see what we can do to help someone else out. There's so much more to this...so much more, but I don't think I can write it all down.
In the end it was really good that Jess and I got to talk. Even though I can't explain it I feel that God has really shown me what I need to do here. But it's so hard. How do you give when people don't give back?
Another big issue that has un-earthed this week is our lack on communication skills. Not only with the staff but with the other SM's. And it is so bad! All of us! There isn't just one to blame. But grr it's so frustrating! It's to the point where were are just done. We are tired of trying to communicate, when no one is going to be happy. We are tired of putting in the effort when others don't. I'm just tired...
You know one thing I hate the most? The weekends. Even though I know I need a break, I rather be on than off. I feel so alone on weekends that it isn't even funny. I wish I could pick up the phone, or get a text from one of my friends back home so bad. I just wish that someone was here. I can't talk with the people here cause it's too close to home. And the people I have at home, I cant talk to either. I hate this. Things are different with my mom and I. I don't share things with my dad because I know it is something that he doesn't want to hear about. My friends are living there lives....and I'm in Africa. And of course when someone does try to be there, I put my guard up cause I don't want to be hurt. (Man do I sound like a mess or what?)  I know this blog doesn't make sense but then again, not much is making sense to me now a days. I told Susan that we have 103 days till graduation, "getting anxious?" And honestly, yes. I think I am. I mean I'm happy I'm here, I wouldn't change coming here. Things are better with the girls, for the most part, and I'm enjoying myself. But...I don't know. I'm just anxious.