For the first time that I have been here I found myself seriously asking, "should I really be here?" Thoughts such as, "this is a mistake, God picked the wrong person, I shouldn't be here," and "Susan should have picked the other girl not me," came to mind a lot yesterday. Over the weekend there was a couple of incidents concerning M. One was dealing with her free labor and the other her dress being too short for church.The reason why these were problems was because of the disrespect that was shown, which isn't the first time. It ended up with the principle, vice principle, Susan, and I talking with M in the office. The aftermath of this even is what led me to those thoughts as well as tears. (Which is really annoying. I HATE crying and yet I've cried more than I hoped since I have been here. Grrr.) M. told Meds and Geershom that Susan and I are rude and that we do not respect the girls, "especially Miss Cassie.".......................huh?
I don't get it, I'm so blown away by this that I just sat there in the office stunned. I've had more talks and laughter lately with the girls then I ever have. Shoot! I even did one girls make up for banquet! Yes, Susan and I have tried to crack down in the dorm concerning noise and rowdiness but I don't understand. Meds was saying how she thought that it was more of a culture difference. Coming here I found out quickly that there isn't much of a sense of humor, and there has been times when I had to let the girls know that I was joking with them, which they then laughed about. M. also told them how I'm going into there rooms at 11:00, 1:00, and 3:00 in the morning searching there rooms. When Susan and I heard this we just looked at each other and laughed. But still, it irks me to hear that these "rumors" are going around in the dorm about the Deans. Granted, yes it's not surprising but really? I don't know....
I've felt that things were getting better between her and I and yet now I think she knows a weakness of mine. I feel that she's doing and saying what she can to get to me. And yes, I'm sure that sounds crazy but also with M it wouldn't surprise me. And even after the meeting I had girls joking around with me, and talking with me about things and I was just like...do they really think that I disrespect them? And if I am that I am doing it on purpose? I've come here cause I've thought that this is where God wanted me. So that I can serve these girls. Sometimes I don't think the girls really think about what it means to take a year off and be here. Leaving school, friends, family. Coming to a new place, to a place where you have no idea about. For me, not knowing how things are going to be, how they'll work out, or even not knowing where my life is headed scares me to death. I hate not having a plan and knowing where I'm headed. But then again my "plan" went out the window Freshman year of college, and then some.
Am I being rude and disrespectful? Am I hurting the girls more than helping them? I sure I'm not. I wish I knew what to do.
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