Ahhh!

T-minus 1 hour and 30 minutes. At 19:00 I will be heading to the airport to begin the trip back to the states. I'm not gonna lie, I'm starting to get excited. I don't know if I'm more excited to be in an airport or to walk out and see my parents and grandparents waiting to see me. Haha I can just see my parents: my Mom jumping up and down waving her arms "Hey Monkey!!!" and my Dad almost doing the same thing with a little bit less jumpiness and sayin "Hi Sister." I took a walk around campus a little while ago and ended up at the gym. When I went into the ball room to get a basketball I was very proud to see how neat and organized it was. I couldn't help but think, good job guys. When we first got here Tyson and Jess worked on that place like crazy, it was a disaster! But now it looks great. It got me thinking to other parts of the year, and even how now I am proud of the SM's that were here with me. We all gave as much as we could this year, and you can even see it with the clean ball rooms and apartments that we are leaving behind. I'm very glad and have been truly blessed to work with ALL the staff here.
I'm headed home soon. Wow...I'm going home. There aren't any words, there just aren't. But to those of you that are reading this state side....I'll see you in a few hours :)



And I'll get to see Ceasar....YAY! :)

Change

"Life is change, growth is optional. Choose wisely." ~ Unknown

This is my favorite quote. It's one that I have re-read many times through out the last couple of years. It's helped me realize many times that if I want to grow as a person, as a Christian, and a friend, and daughter that I need to be able to change.
Everyone has told me that I shouldn't expect things to be the same when I get back to the states. That I'll have changed, matured, and will be a different person. But what about everyone else? What about the family that is now actually ending? What about the parents who are going on different paths that have never been walked upon before? I hate the fact that I wont see the change in me until I am in a different place, and with different people. I want to see it now! Staff here have asked me what it's going to be like for us when we SM's get back to the states. And I think for a lot of us, we don't have an answer, because we don't have a clue. I've never liked going into something without having an idea of what's ahead of me. I like change, but only when I'm ready for it. When I have prepared myself for all the possible bad and good situations that can happen.
Before I came here I went and visited my friends in TN. I remember crying in Trevors kitchen the night before I had to leave for Cali. I remember crying to Jared telling him how scared I was that everyone was going to move on with out me and that I would be left. Now I'm scared of going back because I have to fit into the unknown. I have to see if I really was left or if things didn't change as much as I thought that they would. I don't know...we'll just have to see if I'm open to growing and change.

....I don't think I want to be.

Scattered

I feel like my thoughts, feelings, emotions are scattered all the house. I can't figure out how I'm feeling about everything. I'm remembering my first couple of days here when I'd sit on the couch and gaze out the window just in awe of the fact that I'm here. I'm wondering of what lies a head of me and if I have the guts to actually do what I want and not be swayed or pushed because I feel like I have to please people. I'm thinking of things that have gone and shouldn't be entering into my mind, and yet I can't help but wonder about them. Will I be able to handle home again? Will I be able to look you in the face and not be disappointed by the realizations I've had since being away? I'm scared of getting home and feeling lost. Lost from who I am and what I'm suppose to be. Lost from the people that I love so much and yet they don't seem to realize how much they hurt me. Lost from you. I hate that I feel this way. I shouldn't feel this way! I shouldn't feel like it's the first day of school going into my fifth grade year. Heart racing, head pounding, palms sweating. I shouldn't feel like I have to prepare myself for a blow that's going to break my heart. I thought after coming here I would have more of a grip on things, more of a grip on who I am. And yet, why do I feel, why am I scared of seeing who I am when I get back? Is it because I really don't have a hold on who I am and what I as a person represent in Gods eyes? Or do I know who I am...and I'm just scared that the people who once knew me, wont know me at all?

Questions, questions, and more questions

Germeen left today. Jess is leaving tomorrow with her family till the 19th. Thomas and Tomiko are leaving the 14th. Tyson leaves on the 19th and then Jessica and I will leave on the 21st. Aka two weeks come tomorrow. I'm walking around this campus with few students left. It's weird to think that I need to start cleaning out my room and cleaning the house. To start taking things down in the dorm that I once put up in anticipation for the students to come. Realizing that I'm going to have the house all to myself in a couple of hours. Realizing that in a matter of weeks I will be walking back into a society that I once fit into and now I feel out of the mold.
I feel that I've always been a strong individual. I know who I am, and what I believe in.I know that God is always by my side, and that some sweat and elbow grease never hurt anyone. That we need to love the ones that we are blessed with while we have them. And yet...why am I wondering who I am? A part of me feels more scared now about going back to school then when I first went off to Southern. I'm going to have to re-establish myself to a place that I left with a bitter heart. A place that I didn't want to be at in the first place.
I'm going back as a 22 year old Animal Science major. I'm going back knowing what I want to do but apprehensive if I can attain those goals. I'm going back scared, because I don't know what or whom lies ahead of me. After being here I can't say that I really know who I am, because I've always known. And yet I'm going back asking, who am I going to be. Will I be a disappointment to my parents? Will I be a friend to those who once were close to be? Will I be the God fearing women that I've been in Kenya?
I've been told that going off as an SM will change me. But change me into what? Who am I now that I wasn't before? Who am I going to be that I'm not now? I guess only time will tell...

Being There

Three big events for this graduation weekend  are over with, with only one more to go. Tomorrow is the big day. The Seniors will be marching into the church, receiving diplomas that they have worked hard for. There will be smiles and tears, and lots of hugs and pictures.
How is it that while one phase of life can be so exciting, at the same time it can be utter terrifying and lonely. After I blogged last night I shot a text to a friend of mine who had once been an SM. I thought that he would understand, instead it went right over his head. And with that came the crashing realization that I am going to be alone.  I am going to be alone with no one who understands. I feel like I am stuck in limbo. I can't go back to how things once were, and yet I don't know what is going to be in front of me. I just went through some of my old high school pictures, reading comments that friends and even old boyfriends had left. It's interesting to think how back then I thought I knew it all. I had all the answers. That life was just going to be happily ever after. But it wasn't and it hasn't been happily ever after. People I love have left, my family is not a family. I have hurt people and hung on too long. Am I still hanging on? Maybe not to something or someone specific but am I still hanging on to the thought that I could have happily ever after. And I don't mean in the romantic sense, I just mean in the way of life. I'm happy here, I'm comfortable. I like the friends I have here. People I trust, who I know have my back. Who I know will help me if I need a hand. I guess I'm scared of going back and not knowing who is there for me. The people that even though they can't and wont understand they will still be there and not leave me. Ha, I'm realizing as I write this that my fear of people leaving me that I acquired when I was younger is still very strong.  I don't want to be left alone without someone to be there. I don't want to leave these people here, friends, faculty, students, because they know me. They know what I've been through when no one else has. I don't want to leave because I love them, and when I get home...the people I love, I fear, wont be there.

Facing Reality

After being jumped on Tuesday, checking girls out of there rooms and today sending home one of my seniors (aka not graduating) things are starting to hit me. And I don't like it.
For the past couple of weeks Jess has been talking to me about going home. Sharing with me her fears and what she's worried about. How even though we are going home, we aren't going "home." She is reading this book that mentions how home is where we are comfortable at. And well....I'm comfortable here. This is home.
Everything is going to be different when we get back. Sure there are some friends where we will fall right into step with, others...it's going to take awhile. My biggest fear is that people are going to try and be apart of my time here in Kenya. They are going to try and come into my life here. And they can't! They can't see what I've seen. They can't meet the people I've met. They can't know the ups and downs, the heartache and tears, the laughs and jokes that I have here with these girls. They just can't understand it!
I'm ready to see people back in the states, but I'm not ready to leave this place and these peoples. Especially certain ones that have been THE ones to be there for me...I'm going to be crying my eyes out.
Any time Jess and I have talked about this in the past I've just nodded my head, uh hu, yea, sure...type of responses. But now, it's starting to stick. Now I have to face reality. And the reality is...I don't want to leave home.

It's Hard to Believe

Today is the last full day of school. There will never be another Thursday of regular classes again. Well at least for me. I'm sitting in the office with Switchfoot playing in the background, a long with Kesly singing in the hallway and Karen talking about what she wants to do during summer. We got our year books today. I think this is the most excited I've been over a year book since I graduated high school. From what I've seen they're pretty nice (props to Miss Jess :))
I'm so glad that I came to Kenya. I'm so glad I let God lead me here. When I look back over the year I can see how I have changed so much. The two biggest lessons that I have learned are 1. to let go and 2. to be patient. Now granted, patience doesn't exactly run in the family but I think I'm getting a better handle on it. Haha at least I hope so. I love the relationships that I have built here. I love the students. I've seen a love between some of them and I especially this week with things coming to a close. Part of me wishes that they would come to Andrews so we could just chill and hang out, talk about nothing. Haha but then again I don't think I would have enough chocolate to hold Winta over for more than 2 years.
Letting go is one of hardest things that I think someone can face. It's scary and lonely. But I'm glad that I've made it through that stage. I'm glad that I've let go so that I can now see what's in front of me. Which I think could be a good thing. Granted just because we let go, doesn't mean there wont be anymore problems. There has been a lot of things that have come up for me within the last year too. Decisions and choices that will forever affect my future. Some things I don't want to deal with, but I know I have too.
It's good to feel this way. It's good to feel happy again. I haven't felt just silly happy for a long time. I love life, and I love the one that God has given me. I love that the warm sunshine makes me happy. That I can be singing in the copy room and people know that it's me. I love hearing Zivah scream that shrill baby yell in the office. I love how Sabrina comes in my office and just chills on the couch and talks about the most random-est things.
Before I came here I was so scared that life would move on without me. That I would be left behind. And for awhile I felt like that. But the thing is, the people that really are my friends and that really care aren't going anywhere. They aren't leaving me behind. And for that, I'm going to be a bridesmaid :)
The thing about letting go, is that we have the chance to start over. If we didn't like how things were before we can change it. If there was something about ourselves that was negative we can work on it to make it better. And if there once was someone who broke your heart, there's someone who can help put it back together. And FYI He's pretty cool.
This is my last Thursday on. But with all these lasts...I'm looking forward to all the firsts :)

It's Finally Hit Me

So it's finally hit me...in 44 days I will be leaving this beautiful place and landing on my own soil. Honestly, I'm amazed that all this has happened to me. I am amazed that God could send me...me!...to Kenya to do His work. Granted there have been times when I wonder if I really am doing His work, but as Debbie reminded me, I can't see it now but one day I will.
When it actually hit me was last night, when the girls were getting ready for JS (Junior Senior banquet). I remembered mine, and taking pictures in the back yard with Jake. Going bowling, and posing with paintings. Taking tons of pictures with my class. And it just made me realize that the year is practically over with! I now know for a fact that I will be tearing up all graduation weekend, especially on graduation day.
Ya know even though this year has been tough, we forget those and remember the good. I had forgotten some of the events I've had with girls, with being called demon when ever I walked by. I forget them because I remember the fun, silly times I have with them.
It is also hitting me that when I get back, things ARE going to be different. I know, I know, I've been hearing this all year but due to some recent news it's true. I'm looking forward to being with my brother and dad and spending more time with the. For me, I feel like it's time to move on from home. It's time to start my life...haha an who ever would have thought it would be in MI?! But ya know what? I have more of an open mind than I did when I first went, and I do have some amazing friends there, who I can not WAIT to see :) It's gonna be good this year, I can feel it.
But yea...44 days. Man, they are gonna go by so quick. I better get on to bye gifts for everyone haha

My Family

Tonight we had a going away for the Sandavol family. This family is amazing. Eisia runs the hostel, where they live, while her devoted husband works (I believe) though the ECD. They have two wonderful children, Francheska and Ronit. The sweetest, Jesus loving kids you will ever meet. They have been here for four years, but now now chosen to move to the Phils for work and school.
While we were in the library waiting for the family to arrive, I scanned the room looking at everyone present. Most of the adults were sitting in chairs chatting and laughing, while the kids were running around being animals. I couldn't help but feel this swelling feeling in my chest. This is my family. For the last ten months they have been there for me. To encourage, uplift, wipe my tears, give me hugs, make me pull my hair out, and roll my eyes. They are my support. They are my friends. I couldn't help but think about how in a few weeks we would be back in this position only now, the people who would be leaving would be us (the SM's).
I'm ready to go home, but I wish I could pack these people away in my suitcase and bring them back with me. Especially the Raymonds, Crutchers, and Doss's.
The other thought I had was how nice it would be to have this in my family one day. I've always wanted a big family, where everyone gets together for the holidays and birthdays. Where there is utter chaos and noise. But people who love you no matter what. I think about Eisia and Ronald and see how devoted and in love with each other they are and I pray I will have that one day. I look at their kids and see how much they love God and I hope my kids can have that close relationship too.
I'm going to miss my family here in Kenya. But the great thing is...I know that they will always be there for me. Just because I'm leaving soon doesn't mean that I am going to lose them. And that puts a smile on my face.

Not a Good Week

I don't know what the deal is, but this is just not my week. This past weekend was really good, very busy but good. We had international night on Sunday, which left me really missing home and yet still very proud of all the girls that participated. Sunday was also really hard though too because it was the day that my class was graduating from Southern. As in, the plan was for ME to be graduating on Sunday as well. And well...obviously I haven't graduated and obviously not from Southern. I just feel that life is passing my by. That life is rolling for everyone else whether it is graduating, starting a new job, getting married/ engaged. I feel like I'm stick not moving.
My attitude doesn't help any, I know. Everything is just starting to bug me now. Germeen reminded me that both teams are on this weekend, I was ready to punch the wall. Ants got into my box of Honey Nut Cheerios that Debbie sent me and I about burst into tears. As Sabrina told me today, " yea pretty much I want to stay in my room and see no one. It's just too emotionally draining." Amazingly she hit the nail on the head. I want to stay in my room all day. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone.
What a good dean, hu? Why is it that everyone is moving on, but me? I know that God has this great plan for me, but right now I'm in a pit. I'm scared of that great plan getting ruined by myself of others. But worst of all I'm scared I may not reach it.
The only way for things to change is for me to change my attitude; therefor, positive things this week.
1) Amazingly fun and funny: Americans trying to line dance
2) Started 2nd month of Insanity and totally loving it, even though it's kicking my butt
3) Thankful to Katie and Debbie for letting me cry on there shoulders when needed.
4) Only 31 days till graduation: 48 days till I'm in the US
5) Lots of rain = very green Kenya
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. And lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
*sigh*

Ready to Go

We are half way through the last week of April...and it can't go by fast enough. I am ready to go home. I just am. I miss my friends and family. I miss Ceasar and riding for countless hours. I miss my room and cat. I miss seeing my friends and being apart of what ever may be going on. I'm actually missing it so much that I google mapped my house, my Dads house, and the ranch. Just so I could see them! Nationality night is coming up on Sunday. We've been brain storming about ways to represent America and I miss my country! I miss it!
I'm done with the griping and complaining. I'm done hearing about how horrible we are and how some of the girls hate us so. I'm done giving 100% when it's not appreciated. Don't ask me to do anything else than what I already am, cause I just don't have the energy to do it.
I hate that I feel this way! I don't want too. I want to be stoked for this last month. I mean after this month I will probably never see these students or staff...ever. I may never be in Kenya again either. I wish my friends could be here. I wish my family could ALL get together for once and it be like old time. But, whatch ya do? There's no turning back the clock on some things.

What to do, what to do

Well this week started off with a kicker, one that really shook me up. Lusungu is a very sweet girl. She came at the start of this sem and at first had a very hard time being here. well truthfully she didn't want to be here and refused to leave her bed for several days. But things have gotten a lot better for in. She's made good friends, things are working out for her and her roommate. She seemed like she was enjoying in for the most part.  Come to find out her sister and I actually know each other from Andrews (she is so sweet too). On Monday(?) Lusungu come to my office and in her quiet voice tells me that she feels like cutting herself. I promise, I think my heart broke. She told me she just wants to go home, that she is so depressed and that she just wants to die. It really shook me up cause when I was a freshman in high school I was right in her shoes. Not for the same reason, but none the less I was there. A friend in my class was known for cutting herself when things got rough, and even though I thought about it I new I could NEVER go through with it. I don't like pain. Period. But cutting isn't the only way...
I was telling my RA Bliss last night how I so wish that I could shake some of these girls. That I could tell them that they don't know it all, and that in just a few years they'll look back on this time of there lives and think to them selves, "What was I thinking?!" I've always said I never want to go back to high school, and yet here I am in the middle of it. Using what I went through to try and reach these girls. Please pray for her.
Then today I find out that one of my Juniors from Norway (the BLONDEST girl ever!) that she has thyroid cancer.
....Um excuse me, could you repeat that?...
There's been other incidents too where I just wish that these girls could see that now doesn't last for ever. That they will grow up and change SO much in the next couple of years. And that even beyond that we have so much more waiting for us from out Dad.
I'm glad that I am leaving tomorrow for long weekend. I have things I need to think through. Things here with the girls, facing home, and trying to hear what God wants for me and well yea...other things.
I've been thinking about my future a lot this week, and I dont know why. I mean I am thinking about things that I haven't really thought of. I mean I did once, but that was different. That was because someone was asking it of me. Now I'm thinking about it for myself, and I'm not sure what to think of it.
Plain and simple: just too many thoughts.

In Answer to Violetta's Worship

I love my God.

I love that He's there for me.

I love that He's promised to never leave me.

I love that I can talk to Him when ever I need.

I love that He doesn't get tired of listening to me. 

I love that He loves my family and friends more than I ever could.

I love that He knows what He's doing in my life, and even though it drives me nuts not knowing, I love that He's looking down on me and chuckling, probably think, "Oh you just wait."

I love that even when I don't have the words to express how I feel that He knows exactly what I'm talking about. I love Him for dying for me. 

I love Him because He loves me...for me. 

Violetta did worship the other night for us in the dorm. She told us about her love story. At the time I'm pretty sure that she wasn't thinking about how we could apply it spiritually, but there were some things that really got me thinking. 

If I really loved him (as in the man I'm with) would I do anything for him? Would I follow him to the ends of the earth? If he asked me too would I pack up my bags and go that day if he told me to leave everything and everyone I loved? 

I once thought that I would do this. Actually I knew that I would if he asked me. But now I'm asking myself these questions about a different man. And it goes a little something like this. 

If He asked me to leave everything and follow Him would I?

Would I really do anything for Him?

If He asked me to go to the ends of the earth would I? 

Would I leave my family and friends to do as He asked of me?

Would I be uncomfortable so that someone else may find comfort in Him?

As scary as this may seem I wanna say...yes, I would. 

I love Him. 

I love Him with all my heart and soul. 

I love Him for who He has made me to be and the young women that He is changing me to be right now, even this night. 

I love Him. 

Now...what about you?

P.s. Thanks Violetta :)

Rebound

It has been a week ago today since everything that happened. I can say that this week I've been laying lowing, not wanting to be out there. And well not putting myself out there. After something like this it seems to take me awhile to pull my self back together. My big thing is that I'm always wondering what the other girls think of me. Do they think I did a stupid thing?  Are they glad that it happened? I don't know...I've noticed, at least last sem that it seemed when ever one of these matches went down that they would check in on me. "How ya doin Miss Cassie? Are you ok Miss Cassie? *click* Don't worry Miss Cassie, it's no big deal." They seem so random at times that I can't even tell what they are relating too. Since I am on this weekend I am praying that things go well. M and I have basically said nothing to each other, even though at Ad Com it was mentioned about talking and saying sorry, but oh well. It doesn't surprise me, it's high school.
I've kinda been wondering if I'm starting to get depressed because I've been sleeping a lot, and I mean A LOT. I wake up at 6:30 to work out at 7. When I come back at 8 I relax, take a shower and get ready for the day. By 9 I'm back in bed sleeping till 10 when I have to be at work. In the after noons I can usually catch 45 minutes to an hour. Then again I'm going to say that this is because of the work outs I've been doing with Yani. They are tough!...I like it :) I'm also going to say that it is because even though I am drop dead tired when I craw into bed I usually don't actually fall asleep till an hour to two hours later. Sometimes the mind just wont shut off.
I think I'm doing ok. I hope I'm doing ok. 52 days till graduation. Today was nice, I had a lot of talks with some of the girls. I told Inah she's my chill girl. I don't feel like I have to make a conversation with her, we can just sit and it's ok. Joy told me that my toes are obese...haha you have to know Joy. Cynthia and Winta always make me laugh, they were telling me how my shirt matched my eyes. Granted my shirt is a deep royal blue today, but hey I'll take it :) Navo came in too and sat down an talked, just talking about the most randomest things. But once again that's Navo, fun, loud, and random. I think that's why I feel like in a way they are checking up on me, because for the most part they don't always come in and just chill. They do, but not all the time. And for this to happen several times throughout the week...? I'm probably over thinking things.
Oh man, ASB banquet is coming up this Sunday. Study hall become a time for auditioning to sing, filling out orders for roses, and fake champagne. Basically shot haha. I hope it's just because of banquet, but I feel like things are getting roudy. Or maybe I feel like I'm getting antsy.
I take that back, I am antsy.

Match of the Season

The gloves have finally come off, the lights are low and the arena awaits. Today Mapenzi and I will face off in Ad Com.
I really don't want to do this. I wont lie I am scared spit less. Why? Because this girl is tougher than me, because she is quicker than me, because she's the smoothest talker I have ever met. Maybe I don't have enough faith in the staff, but I am so worried that just like any other time we have sit down to talk the discussion goes from her to me. To how I am the one messing up and doing wrong, to how I am the liar, the disrespectful and rude one. How the girls in the dorm don't feel comfortable with me because of what I do. I'm scared that I am going to get tongue tied in there in front of the comity, and Mapenzi, and there for "prove" that I am a liar.
I don't want her to go home. I want her to be here and to graduate in 55 days. I wont her and I to respect each other. Even though she had told me that she doesn't and that she doesn't like me. I don't care if she does or doesn't! I just...ug...I wish this "Golaith" would go away.
I'm tired of being the adult, I'm tired of dealing with childish things. And if I could I wish I could be in high school again, if only for a minute, because then I would deal with it my way. As in we would just let things be. I wouldn't talk to her unless she needed it and same for her. But I can't do that! I have to be the one to sit down and say lets work it out, even if I don't really care if it does.
I knew this day was coming...I just had no idea that I would feel this way. I sure hope God is gonna teach me something good out of this, cause this is the toughest yet.

Story Time!

Found this in an old News Flush.

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, KNowledge, and all the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all contructed boats and left. Except for Love. 

Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment. When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you." Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat." Vanity answered. Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh...Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!" Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her. Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Realizing how much was owed the elder, Love asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?" "It was Time, " Knowledge answered. "Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is."

There are only 58 days left here at Maxwell. And within the last couple of hours obstacles have been thrown my way. I keep thinking, what am I learning from this? How will this help me down the road? How will this effect my life? Is this a little taste to see how I'm going to deal with my own teenagers one day? (I sure hope not)

I'm sitting here trying to think of a way to show love to someone who does not like me. At all. How do you do that? How can you be an influence when they don't want to have anything to do with you and have no problem letting you know that? 

I guess only time will tell.

Is it Already April?

I remember two months into being here at Maxwell. My birthday was coming up, and I was starting to feel restless. I wondered how life was going back home. Why my friends hadn't kept in touch, and what I was missing out on. I felt like no one was there. Now two months away from going home...I don't think I'm ready. I don't want to leave Kenya. There is so much left for me to do and see. There are so many places that I haven't gone too yet. I was told last weekend that once Africa gets under your skin there's no way of getting away from her. And it's true! I'm not even gone and I'm already thinking about how and when I can come back. As of today there are 63 days till graduation, 63 days! Yes, I will be here for about 3 more weeks after that, but most of the students will be gone and I'm hoping that I will have more free time to spend with my family here before I leave. I really feel like I have a family here. There are ones who I love to death, others; who at times make me want to pull my hear out. There are times when I've laughed my head off and others when I've cried my eyes out. But these people have been my love and support since I have been here. And honestly, they've been here more for me than other people have.

"Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely." ~ Karen Kaiser Clark

This is one of my favorite quotes. I think I stumbled across it my the beginning of my sophomore year at Southern. Honestly, when you take a step back and really look at it, it's really not an easy thing. For the most part we all welcome change. Sometimes it comes unexpectedly, other times gradually. Other times we choose to have change and make a direct way to see it. On the other hand most of us like growth, we like to see that we are growing up, that we can handle these different stages in our lives. But then why is it so hard! I recently got an e-mail which contained some comments on me preparing myself for when I return. I was told that I shouldn't expect things to be the same, that I have changed and grown a lot, and most likely when I come back I will feel like nothing has changed. An yet I wonder if I really will feel that way. What I mean is, have I really changed? Have I really grown? 

Yes, I can say that I see a change in me. I feel like I'm getting back to myself. Myself as in that crazy girl who didn't care what people thought about her. That girl who wasn't afraid to help someone else even if it meant getting hurt. I feel like I can laugh and skip for no reason. My heart isn't broken like it was before. And ya know what...it feels good. I'm happy. Yes I said it.  I. Am. Happy.

So until the time comes for me to face those new changes, I have 63+ days to wallow in Kenya. And I plan on enjoying every minute of it. High school drama and all :)

What a Good Day Off

Almost every Tuesday I have chosen to go into town, whether is be to Rungai, Galleria, or the Animal Orphanage. Those have been fun, but today I chose to stay here on campus and boy was it nice. I got chocolate cookies made for Pastor Kent's birthday. Got the apartment cleaned (which needed it oh so badly, including cat box). Watched Sahara while cleaning and The Kite Runner well, while not cleaning. Had a good work out (Insanity is insane! hehe) and finished the night by having Kenyan tea (which I haven't had since Egypt, go figure) while watching Madagascar 2 with Tyson and Jess. Yes, good day.

Tonight while I was writing in my prayer journal and doing some reading I found 2 verses that I think are really great and relate to us here at Maxwell, and myself, well.

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." ~1st Corinthians 15:58

and...

"Do everything in love." ~ 1st Corinthians 16:14

 The first verse was just really encouraging. I've started counting down the days here at Maxwell. Not because I want to leave but, well its just a habit of mine. And granted knowing that graduation isn't far away helps remind me of what I still need to do here. Sometimes it's easy for me to just be like, oh well, there's always another day. But there aren't many more of those other days. I need to do the work that God has for me NOW. I don't know...I just liked it.

The second one was just a good reminder. It's hard sometimes to love these girls when they are rude to you. It's hard to love the people we work with when they don't do things the way we think they should be done. It's hard to love when, well, sometimes we just don't want to. 

I've started praying a lot more the last couple of weeks. And not just requests but just talkin with Him. Not just praying for myself but for others. Even for some people that most think I wouldn't need too. But ya know what, there's power in prayer. I'm starting to see that a lot clearer than I use to. It makes me wonder what would happen if I actually started praying for Bill. I don't know how I would start. Honestly I don't know how my heart would take it. But who knows, I mean what could it hurt? 

The thing that I find so amazing and cool is that I have such peace after I pray for someone or about something. I mean I just have this feeling that ya know what, Gods gonna take care of it. And He's gonna take better care of the situation than I ever could. 

Ya know why?

Cause He's awesome like that :)

God is Good

Things have changed quite a lot since my last 2 posts. When I wrote those I was feeling done, finished, and worn out. But God always has good timing. Last week was Week of Prayer and Nadine Nelson came from Union. I had met her when I looked at Andrews when she was still working there. She's a very helpful, fun lady, who I thought was so cool cause she's from South Africa and had a cool accent. The week was about facing our Goliaths, and boy, did she hit home with a lot of things. Not only with me but with the students as well. Almost every night she would ask them "is there a friend you need to talk to?" "do you need to go apologize to a dean?" I never knew that God was going to touch some of my girls hearts the way that He did. We went to Brakenhurst for the weekend where we ended the Week of Prayer. On Friday night we had foot washing and talked about how we may need to be humble with someone people and ask for forgiveness. I never thought that this would happen, but one of my girls did just that. She apologized for the way that she has treated me, and told me that she wanted/ needed to tell me this before it built up to much to where she couldn't. Ive very proud of that young lady. I know that God is really reaching for her heart. Of course she and I aren't buddy buddy I think both of us feel more comfortable around each other, an well if she doesn't I sure do. I had two other girls on Sabbath write me letters through an activity that we did for Sabbath school. One was another apology telling me how she's like for us to be friends. The other one was saying thank you for being their for her (and this came from the girl that had be balling my eyes to the Raymonds.) Since coming back from spiritual retreat to me, it feels the McKee Hall has stopped holding it's breathe and has breathed a sigh of relief. Of course there are still things going on; there will always be drama in a girls dorm. But some how there's a peace that is here.
I feel like God has really helped me tackle some serious Goliaths through this. One, I really needed to hear those apologizes and thank yous. He knew that I was getting warn down, and He knows that I hate the feeling of not accomplishing anything. Thanks to those comments, I now feel like I really am making a difference here. Secondly, I found out Jared is dating someone. I'm glad. And I pray that both of them are happy, and that she can help him find where God wants him to be as well as bringing him closer to God. Was it a shock? In a little way yes. It's always weird seeing someone you dated with someone else. But it's all good :)
And thirdly, I think some of my walls have come down. Darren has been telling me that I have walls, that I don't really let people in. And yea, I do have them. It was a defense mechanism that I started using when things went wrong with my family. I thought I had gotten over it, but in some ways especially when people are trying to get to know me...well they come up. But ya know what? I'm  ready for a new start. I'm ready for a better walk with God. I'm ready for a better outlook on Andrews. I'm ready for good and new relationships.
Since I've come to Kenya I've been waiting for God to show up, and ya know what?...I think He finally has :)

Animals, animals, Jesus made the animals :)

So just a recap on all the animals I have  encountered since being in Africa.

1. Petting a giraffe

2. Holding a crocodile & tortuous at Momba Village

3. Feeding monkeys (Vervets and Sykes)

4. Petting cheetahs

5. Riding a camel

6. Riding horses (on the beach)

7. Meeting my friend the water buffalo Buchanan 

8. Being bombarded by baboons

9. Petting a baby elephant

10. And as of yesterday...holding a lion cub!!!

:-D