Ready to Go

We are half way through the last week of April...and it can't go by fast enough. I am ready to go home. I just am. I miss my friends and family. I miss Ceasar and riding for countless hours. I miss my room and cat. I miss seeing my friends and being apart of what ever may be going on. I'm actually missing it so much that I google mapped my house, my Dads house, and the ranch. Just so I could see them! Nationality night is coming up on Sunday. We've been brain storming about ways to represent America and I miss my country! I miss it!
I'm done with the griping and complaining. I'm done hearing about how horrible we are and how some of the girls hate us so. I'm done giving 100% when it's not appreciated. Don't ask me to do anything else than what I already am, cause I just don't have the energy to do it.
I hate that I feel this way! I don't want too. I want to be stoked for this last month. I mean after this month I will probably never see these students or staff...ever. I may never be in Kenya again either. I wish my friends could be here. I wish my family could ALL get together for once and it be like old time. But, whatch ya do? There's no turning back the clock on some things.

What to do, what to do

Well this week started off with a kicker, one that really shook me up. Lusungu is a very sweet girl. She came at the start of this sem and at first had a very hard time being here. well truthfully she didn't want to be here and refused to leave her bed for several days. But things have gotten a lot better for in. She's made good friends, things are working out for her and her roommate. She seemed like she was enjoying in for the most part.  Come to find out her sister and I actually know each other from Andrews (she is so sweet too). On Monday(?) Lusungu come to my office and in her quiet voice tells me that she feels like cutting herself. I promise, I think my heart broke. She told me she just wants to go home, that she is so depressed and that she just wants to die. It really shook me up cause when I was a freshman in high school I was right in her shoes. Not for the same reason, but none the less I was there. A friend in my class was known for cutting herself when things got rough, and even though I thought about it I new I could NEVER go through with it. I don't like pain. Period. But cutting isn't the only way...
I was telling my RA Bliss last night how I so wish that I could shake some of these girls. That I could tell them that they don't know it all, and that in just a few years they'll look back on this time of there lives and think to them selves, "What was I thinking?!" I've always said I never want to go back to high school, and yet here I am in the middle of it. Using what I went through to try and reach these girls. Please pray for her.
Then today I find out that one of my Juniors from Norway (the BLONDEST girl ever!) that she has thyroid cancer.
....Um excuse me, could you repeat that?...
There's been other incidents too where I just wish that these girls could see that now doesn't last for ever. That they will grow up and change SO much in the next couple of years. And that even beyond that we have so much more waiting for us from out Dad.
I'm glad that I am leaving tomorrow for long weekend. I have things I need to think through. Things here with the girls, facing home, and trying to hear what God wants for me and well yea...other things.
I've been thinking about my future a lot this week, and I dont know why. I mean I am thinking about things that I haven't really thought of. I mean I did once, but that was different. That was because someone was asking it of me. Now I'm thinking about it for myself, and I'm not sure what to think of it.
Plain and simple: just too many thoughts.

In Answer to Violetta's Worship

I love my God.

I love that He's there for me.

I love that He's promised to never leave me.

I love that I can talk to Him when ever I need.

I love that He doesn't get tired of listening to me. 

I love that He loves my family and friends more than I ever could.

I love that He knows what He's doing in my life, and even though it drives me nuts not knowing, I love that He's looking down on me and chuckling, probably think, "Oh you just wait."

I love that even when I don't have the words to express how I feel that He knows exactly what I'm talking about. I love Him for dying for me. 

I love Him because He loves me...for me. 

Violetta did worship the other night for us in the dorm. She told us about her love story. At the time I'm pretty sure that she wasn't thinking about how we could apply it spiritually, but there were some things that really got me thinking. 

If I really loved him (as in the man I'm with) would I do anything for him? Would I follow him to the ends of the earth? If he asked me too would I pack up my bags and go that day if he told me to leave everything and everyone I loved? 

I once thought that I would do this. Actually I knew that I would if he asked me. But now I'm asking myself these questions about a different man. And it goes a little something like this. 

If He asked me to leave everything and follow Him would I?

Would I really do anything for Him?

If He asked me to go to the ends of the earth would I? 

Would I leave my family and friends to do as He asked of me?

Would I be uncomfortable so that someone else may find comfort in Him?

As scary as this may seem I wanna say...yes, I would. 

I love Him. 

I love Him with all my heart and soul. 

I love Him for who He has made me to be and the young women that He is changing me to be right now, even this night. 

I love Him. 

Now...what about you?

P.s. Thanks Violetta :)

Rebound

It has been a week ago today since everything that happened. I can say that this week I've been laying lowing, not wanting to be out there. And well not putting myself out there. After something like this it seems to take me awhile to pull my self back together. My big thing is that I'm always wondering what the other girls think of me. Do they think I did a stupid thing?  Are they glad that it happened? I don't know...I've noticed, at least last sem that it seemed when ever one of these matches went down that they would check in on me. "How ya doin Miss Cassie? Are you ok Miss Cassie? *click* Don't worry Miss Cassie, it's no big deal." They seem so random at times that I can't even tell what they are relating too. Since I am on this weekend I am praying that things go well. M and I have basically said nothing to each other, even though at Ad Com it was mentioned about talking and saying sorry, but oh well. It doesn't surprise me, it's high school.
I've kinda been wondering if I'm starting to get depressed because I've been sleeping a lot, and I mean A LOT. I wake up at 6:30 to work out at 7. When I come back at 8 I relax, take a shower and get ready for the day. By 9 I'm back in bed sleeping till 10 when I have to be at work. In the after noons I can usually catch 45 minutes to an hour. Then again I'm going to say that this is because of the work outs I've been doing with Yani. They are tough!...I like it :) I'm also going to say that it is because even though I am drop dead tired when I craw into bed I usually don't actually fall asleep till an hour to two hours later. Sometimes the mind just wont shut off.
I think I'm doing ok. I hope I'm doing ok. 52 days till graduation. Today was nice, I had a lot of talks with some of the girls. I told Inah she's my chill girl. I don't feel like I have to make a conversation with her, we can just sit and it's ok. Joy told me that my toes are obese...haha you have to know Joy. Cynthia and Winta always make me laugh, they were telling me how my shirt matched my eyes. Granted my shirt is a deep royal blue today, but hey I'll take it :) Navo came in too and sat down an talked, just talking about the most randomest things. But once again that's Navo, fun, loud, and random. I think that's why I feel like in a way they are checking up on me, because for the most part they don't always come in and just chill. They do, but not all the time. And for this to happen several times throughout the week...? I'm probably over thinking things.
Oh man, ASB banquet is coming up this Sunday. Study hall become a time for auditioning to sing, filling out orders for roses, and fake champagne. Basically shot haha. I hope it's just because of banquet, but I feel like things are getting roudy. Or maybe I feel like I'm getting antsy.
I take that back, I am antsy.

Match of the Season

The gloves have finally come off, the lights are low and the arena awaits. Today Mapenzi and I will face off in Ad Com.
I really don't want to do this. I wont lie I am scared spit less. Why? Because this girl is tougher than me, because she is quicker than me, because she's the smoothest talker I have ever met. Maybe I don't have enough faith in the staff, but I am so worried that just like any other time we have sit down to talk the discussion goes from her to me. To how I am the one messing up and doing wrong, to how I am the liar, the disrespectful and rude one. How the girls in the dorm don't feel comfortable with me because of what I do. I'm scared that I am going to get tongue tied in there in front of the comity, and Mapenzi, and there for "prove" that I am a liar.
I don't want her to go home. I want her to be here and to graduate in 55 days. I wont her and I to respect each other. Even though she had told me that she doesn't and that she doesn't like me. I don't care if she does or doesn't! I just...ug...I wish this "Golaith" would go away.
I'm tired of being the adult, I'm tired of dealing with childish things. And if I could I wish I could be in high school again, if only for a minute, because then I would deal with it my way. As in we would just let things be. I wouldn't talk to her unless she needed it and same for her. But I can't do that! I have to be the one to sit down and say lets work it out, even if I don't really care if it does.
I knew this day was coming...I just had no idea that I would feel this way. I sure hope God is gonna teach me something good out of this, cause this is the toughest yet.

Story Time!

Found this in an old News Flush.

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, KNowledge, and all the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all contructed boats and left. Except for Love. 

Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment. When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you." Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat." Vanity answered. Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh...Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!" Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her. Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Realizing how much was owed the elder, Love asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?" "It was Time, " Knowledge answered. "Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is."

There are only 58 days left here at Maxwell. And within the last couple of hours obstacles have been thrown my way. I keep thinking, what am I learning from this? How will this help me down the road? How will this effect my life? Is this a little taste to see how I'm going to deal with my own teenagers one day? (I sure hope not)

I'm sitting here trying to think of a way to show love to someone who does not like me. At all. How do you do that? How can you be an influence when they don't want to have anything to do with you and have no problem letting you know that? 

I guess only time will tell.

Is it Already April?

I remember two months into being here at Maxwell. My birthday was coming up, and I was starting to feel restless. I wondered how life was going back home. Why my friends hadn't kept in touch, and what I was missing out on. I felt like no one was there. Now two months away from going home...I don't think I'm ready. I don't want to leave Kenya. There is so much left for me to do and see. There are so many places that I haven't gone too yet. I was told last weekend that once Africa gets under your skin there's no way of getting away from her. And it's true! I'm not even gone and I'm already thinking about how and when I can come back. As of today there are 63 days till graduation, 63 days! Yes, I will be here for about 3 more weeks after that, but most of the students will be gone and I'm hoping that I will have more free time to spend with my family here before I leave. I really feel like I have a family here. There are ones who I love to death, others; who at times make me want to pull my hear out. There are times when I've laughed my head off and others when I've cried my eyes out. But these people have been my love and support since I have been here. And honestly, they've been here more for me than other people have.

"Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely." ~ Karen Kaiser Clark

This is one of my favorite quotes. I think I stumbled across it my the beginning of my sophomore year at Southern. Honestly, when you take a step back and really look at it, it's really not an easy thing. For the most part we all welcome change. Sometimes it comes unexpectedly, other times gradually. Other times we choose to have change and make a direct way to see it. On the other hand most of us like growth, we like to see that we are growing up, that we can handle these different stages in our lives. But then why is it so hard! I recently got an e-mail which contained some comments on me preparing myself for when I return. I was told that I shouldn't expect things to be the same, that I have changed and grown a lot, and most likely when I come back I will feel like nothing has changed. An yet I wonder if I really will feel that way. What I mean is, have I really changed? Have I really grown? 

Yes, I can say that I see a change in me. I feel like I'm getting back to myself. Myself as in that crazy girl who didn't care what people thought about her. That girl who wasn't afraid to help someone else even if it meant getting hurt. I feel like I can laugh and skip for no reason. My heart isn't broken like it was before. And ya know what...it feels good. I'm happy. Yes I said it.  I. Am. Happy.

So until the time comes for me to face those new changes, I have 63+ days to wallow in Kenya. And I plan on enjoying every minute of it. High school drama and all :)