Ahhh!

T-minus 1 hour and 30 minutes. At 19:00 I will be heading to the airport to begin the trip back to the states. I'm not gonna lie, I'm starting to get excited. I don't know if I'm more excited to be in an airport or to walk out and see my parents and grandparents waiting to see me. Haha I can just see my parents: my Mom jumping up and down waving her arms "Hey Monkey!!!" and my Dad almost doing the same thing with a little bit less jumpiness and sayin "Hi Sister." I took a walk around campus a little while ago and ended up at the gym. When I went into the ball room to get a basketball I was very proud to see how neat and organized it was. I couldn't help but think, good job guys. When we first got here Tyson and Jess worked on that place like crazy, it was a disaster! But now it looks great. It got me thinking to other parts of the year, and even how now I am proud of the SM's that were here with me. We all gave as much as we could this year, and you can even see it with the clean ball rooms and apartments that we are leaving behind. I'm very glad and have been truly blessed to work with ALL the staff here.
I'm headed home soon. Wow...I'm going home. There aren't any words, there just aren't. But to those of you that are reading this state side....I'll see you in a few hours :)



And I'll get to see Ceasar....YAY! :)

Change

"Life is change, growth is optional. Choose wisely." ~ Unknown

This is my favorite quote. It's one that I have re-read many times through out the last couple of years. It's helped me realize many times that if I want to grow as a person, as a Christian, and a friend, and daughter that I need to be able to change.
Everyone has told me that I shouldn't expect things to be the same when I get back to the states. That I'll have changed, matured, and will be a different person. But what about everyone else? What about the family that is now actually ending? What about the parents who are going on different paths that have never been walked upon before? I hate the fact that I wont see the change in me until I am in a different place, and with different people. I want to see it now! Staff here have asked me what it's going to be like for us when we SM's get back to the states. And I think for a lot of us, we don't have an answer, because we don't have a clue. I've never liked going into something without having an idea of what's ahead of me. I like change, but only when I'm ready for it. When I have prepared myself for all the possible bad and good situations that can happen.
Before I came here I went and visited my friends in TN. I remember crying in Trevors kitchen the night before I had to leave for Cali. I remember crying to Jared telling him how scared I was that everyone was going to move on with out me and that I would be left. Now I'm scared of going back because I have to fit into the unknown. I have to see if I really was left or if things didn't change as much as I thought that they would. I don't know...we'll just have to see if I'm open to growing and change.

....I don't think I want to be.

Scattered

I feel like my thoughts, feelings, emotions are scattered all the house. I can't figure out how I'm feeling about everything. I'm remembering my first couple of days here when I'd sit on the couch and gaze out the window just in awe of the fact that I'm here. I'm wondering of what lies a head of me and if I have the guts to actually do what I want and not be swayed or pushed because I feel like I have to please people. I'm thinking of things that have gone and shouldn't be entering into my mind, and yet I can't help but wonder about them. Will I be able to handle home again? Will I be able to look you in the face and not be disappointed by the realizations I've had since being away? I'm scared of getting home and feeling lost. Lost from who I am and what I'm suppose to be. Lost from the people that I love so much and yet they don't seem to realize how much they hurt me. Lost from you. I hate that I feel this way. I shouldn't feel this way! I shouldn't feel like it's the first day of school going into my fifth grade year. Heart racing, head pounding, palms sweating. I shouldn't feel like I have to prepare myself for a blow that's going to break my heart. I thought after coming here I would have more of a grip on things, more of a grip on who I am. And yet, why do I feel, why am I scared of seeing who I am when I get back? Is it because I really don't have a hold on who I am and what I as a person represent in Gods eyes? Or do I know who I am...and I'm just scared that the people who once knew me, wont know me at all?

Questions, questions, and more questions

Germeen left today. Jess is leaving tomorrow with her family till the 19th. Thomas and Tomiko are leaving the 14th. Tyson leaves on the 19th and then Jessica and I will leave on the 21st. Aka two weeks come tomorrow. I'm walking around this campus with few students left. It's weird to think that I need to start cleaning out my room and cleaning the house. To start taking things down in the dorm that I once put up in anticipation for the students to come. Realizing that I'm going to have the house all to myself in a couple of hours. Realizing that in a matter of weeks I will be walking back into a society that I once fit into and now I feel out of the mold.
I feel that I've always been a strong individual. I know who I am, and what I believe in.I know that God is always by my side, and that some sweat and elbow grease never hurt anyone. That we need to love the ones that we are blessed with while we have them. And yet...why am I wondering who I am? A part of me feels more scared now about going back to school then when I first went off to Southern. I'm going to have to re-establish myself to a place that I left with a bitter heart. A place that I didn't want to be at in the first place.
I'm going back as a 22 year old Animal Science major. I'm going back knowing what I want to do but apprehensive if I can attain those goals. I'm going back scared, because I don't know what or whom lies ahead of me. After being here I can't say that I really know who I am, because I've always known. And yet I'm going back asking, who am I going to be. Will I be a disappointment to my parents? Will I be a friend to those who once were close to be? Will I be the God fearing women that I've been in Kenya?
I've been told that going off as an SM will change me. But change me into what? Who am I now that I wasn't before? Who am I going to be that I'm not now? I guess only time will tell...

Being There

Three big events for this graduation weekend  are over with, with only one more to go. Tomorrow is the big day. The Seniors will be marching into the church, receiving diplomas that they have worked hard for. There will be smiles and tears, and lots of hugs and pictures.
How is it that while one phase of life can be so exciting, at the same time it can be utter terrifying and lonely. After I blogged last night I shot a text to a friend of mine who had once been an SM. I thought that he would understand, instead it went right over his head. And with that came the crashing realization that I am going to be alone.  I am going to be alone with no one who understands. I feel like I am stuck in limbo. I can't go back to how things once were, and yet I don't know what is going to be in front of me. I just went through some of my old high school pictures, reading comments that friends and even old boyfriends had left. It's interesting to think how back then I thought I knew it all. I had all the answers. That life was just going to be happily ever after. But it wasn't and it hasn't been happily ever after. People I love have left, my family is not a family. I have hurt people and hung on too long. Am I still hanging on? Maybe not to something or someone specific but am I still hanging on to the thought that I could have happily ever after. And I don't mean in the romantic sense, I just mean in the way of life. I'm happy here, I'm comfortable. I like the friends I have here. People I trust, who I know have my back. Who I know will help me if I need a hand. I guess I'm scared of going back and not knowing who is there for me. The people that even though they can't and wont understand they will still be there and not leave me. Ha, I'm realizing as I write this that my fear of people leaving me that I acquired when I was younger is still very strong.  I don't want to be left alone without someone to be there. I don't want to leave these people here, friends, faculty, students, because they know me. They know what I've been through when no one else has. I don't want to leave because I love them, and when I get home...the people I love, I fear, wont be there.

Facing Reality

After being jumped on Tuesday, checking girls out of there rooms and today sending home one of my seniors (aka not graduating) things are starting to hit me. And I don't like it.
For the past couple of weeks Jess has been talking to me about going home. Sharing with me her fears and what she's worried about. How even though we are going home, we aren't going "home." She is reading this book that mentions how home is where we are comfortable at. And well....I'm comfortable here. This is home.
Everything is going to be different when we get back. Sure there are some friends where we will fall right into step with, others...it's going to take awhile. My biggest fear is that people are going to try and be apart of my time here in Kenya. They are going to try and come into my life here. And they can't! They can't see what I've seen. They can't meet the people I've met. They can't know the ups and downs, the heartache and tears, the laughs and jokes that I have here with these girls. They just can't understand it!
I'm ready to see people back in the states, but I'm not ready to leave this place and these peoples. Especially certain ones that have been THE ones to be there for me...I'm going to be crying my eyes out.
Any time Jess and I have talked about this in the past I've just nodded my head, uh hu, yea, sure...type of responses. But now, it's starting to stick. Now I have to face reality. And the reality is...I don't want to leave home.