Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I feel like my thoughts, feelings, emotions are scattered all the house. I can't figure out how I'm feeling about everything. I'm remembering my first couple of days here when I'd sit on the couch and gaze out the window just in awe of the fact that I'm here. I'm wondering of what lies a head of me and if I have the guts to actually do what I want and not be swayed or pushed because I feel like I have to please people. I'm thinking of things that have gone and shouldn't be entering into my mind, and yet I can't help but wonder about them. Will I be able to handle home again? Will I be able to look you in the face and not be disappointed by the realizations I've had since being away? I'm scared of getting home and feeling lost. Lost from who I am and what I'm suppose to be. Lost from the people that I love so much and yet they don't seem to realize how much they hurt me. Lost from you. I hate that I feel this way. I shouldn't feel this way! I shouldn't feel like it's the first day of school going into my fifth grade year. Heart racing, head pounding, palms sweating. I shouldn't feel like I have to prepare myself for a blow that's going to break my heart. I thought after coming here I would have more of a grip on things, more of a grip on who I am. And yet, why do I feel, why am I scared of seeing who I am when I get back? Is it because I really don't have a hold on who I am and what I as a person represent in Gods eyes? Or do I know who I am...and I'm just scared that the people who once knew me, wont know me at all?