Saturday, June 4, 2011

Being There

Three big events for this graduation weekend  are over with, with only one more to go. Tomorrow is the big day. The Seniors will be marching into the church, receiving diplomas that they have worked hard for. There will be smiles and tears, and lots of hugs and pictures.
How is it that while one phase of life can be so exciting, at the same time it can be utter terrifying and lonely. After I blogged last night I shot a text to a friend of mine who had once been an SM. I thought that he would understand, instead it went right over his head. And with that came the crashing realization that I am going to be alone.  I am going to be alone with no one who understands. I feel like I am stuck in limbo. I can't go back to how things once were, and yet I don't know what is going to be in front of me. I just went through some of my old high school pictures, reading comments that friends and even old boyfriends had left. It's interesting to think how back then I thought I knew it all. I had all the answers. That life was just going to be happily ever after. But it wasn't and it hasn't been happily ever after. People I love have left, my family is not a family. I have hurt people and hung on too long. Am I still hanging on? Maybe not to something or someone specific but am I still hanging on to the thought that I could have happily ever after. And I don't mean in the romantic sense, I just mean in the way of life. I'm happy here, I'm comfortable. I like the friends I have here. People I trust, who I know have my back. Who I know will help me if I need a hand. I guess I'm scared of going back and not knowing who is there for me. The people that even though they can't and wont understand they will still be there and not leave me. Ha, I'm realizing as I write this that my fear of people leaving me that I acquired when I was younger is still very strong.  I don't want to be left alone without someone to be there. I don't want to leave these people here, friends, faculty, students, because they know me. They know what I've been through when no one else has. I don't want to leave because I love them, and when I get home...the people I love, I fear, wont be there.

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