What a Good Day Off

Almost every Tuesday I have chosen to go into town, whether is be to Rungai, Galleria, or the Animal Orphanage. Those have been fun, but today I chose to stay here on campus and boy was it nice. I got chocolate cookies made for Pastor Kent's birthday. Got the apartment cleaned (which needed it oh so badly, including cat box). Watched Sahara while cleaning and The Kite Runner well, while not cleaning. Had a good work out (Insanity is insane! hehe) and finished the night by having Kenyan tea (which I haven't had since Egypt, go figure) while watching Madagascar 2 with Tyson and Jess. Yes, good day.

Tonight while I was writing in my prayer journal and doing some reading I found 2 verses that I think are really great and relate to us here at Maxwell, and myself, well.

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." ~1st Corinthians 15:58

and...

"Do everything in love." ~ 1st Corinthians 16:14

 The first verse was just really encouraging. I've started counting down the days here at Maxwell. Not because I want to leave but, well its just a habit of mine. And granted knowing that graduation isn't far away helps remind me of what I still need to do here. Sometimes it's easy for me to just be like, oh well, there's always another day. But there aren't many more of those other days. I need to do the work that God has for me NOW. I don't know...I just liked it.

The second one was just a good reminder. It's hard sometimes to love these girls when they are rude to you. It's hard to love the people we work with when they don't do things the way we think they should be done. It's hard to love when, well, sometimes we just don't want to. 

I've started praying a lot more the last couple of weeks. And not just requests but just talkin with Him. Not just praying for myself but for others. Even for some people that most think I wouldn't need too. But ya know what, there's power in prayer. I'm starting to see that a lot clearer than I use to. It makes me wonder what would happen if I actually started praying for Bill. I don't know how I would start. Honestly I don't know how my heart would take it. But who knows, I mean what could it hurt? 

The thing that I find so amazing and cool is that I have such peace after I pray for someone or about something. I mean I just have this feeling that ya know what, Gods gonna take care of it. And He's gonna take better care of the situation than I ever could. 

Ya know why?

Cause He's awesome like that :)

God is Good

Things have changed quite a lot since my last 2 posts. When I wrote those I was feeling done, finished, and worn out. But God always has good timing. Last week was Week of Prayer and Nadine Nelson came from Union. I had met her when I looked at Andrews when she was still working there. She's a very helpful, fun lady, who I thought was so cool cause she's from South Africa and had a cool accent. The week was about facing our Goliaths, and boy, did she hit home with a lot of things. Not only with me but with the students as well. Almost every night she would ask them "is there a friend you need to talk to?" "do you need to go apologize to a dean?" I never knew that God was going to touch some of my girls hearts the way that He did. We went to Brakenhurst for the weekend where we ended the Week of Prayer. On Friday night we had foot washing and talked about how we may need to be humble with someone people and ask for forgiveness. I never thought that this would happen, but one of my girls did just that. She apologized for the way that she has treated me, and told me that she wanted/ needed to tell me this before it built up to much to where she couldn't. Ive very proud of that young lady. I know that God is really reaching for her heart. Of course she and I aren't buddy buddy I think both of us feel more comfortable around each other, an well if she doesn't I sure do. I had two other girls on Sabbath write me letters through an activity that we did for Sabbath school. One was another apology telling me how she's like for us to be friends. The other one was saying thank you for being their for her (and this came from the girl that had be balling my eyes to the Raymonds.) Since coming back from spiritual retreat to me, it feels the McKee Hall has stopped holding it's breathe and has breathed a sigh of relief. Of course there are still things going on; there will always be drama in a girls dorm. But some how there's a peace that is here.
I feel like God has really helped me tackle some serious Goliaths through this. One, I really needed to hear those apologizes and thank yous. He knew that I was getting warn down, and He knows that I hate the feeling of not accomplishing anything. Thanks to those comments, I now feel like I really am making a difference here. Secondly, I found out Jared is dating someone. I'm glad. And I pray that both of them are happy, and that she can help him find where God wants him to be as well as bringing him closer to God. Was it a shock? In a little way yes. It's always weird seeing someone you dated with someone else. But it's all good :)
And thirdly, I think some of my walls have come down. Darren has been telling me that I have walls, that I don't really let people in. And yea, I do have them. It was a defense mechanism that I started using when things went wrong with my family. I thought I had gotten over it, but in some ways especially when people are trying to get to know me...well they come up. But ya know what? I'm  ready for a new start. I'm ready for a better walk with God. I'm ready for a better outlook on Andrews. I'm ready for good and new relationships.
Since I've come to Kenya I've been waiting for God to show up, and ya know what?...I think He finally has :)

Animals, animals, Jesus made the animals :)

So just a recap on all the animals I have  encountered since being in Africa.

1. Petting a giraffe

2. Holding a crocodile & tortuous at Momba Village

3. Feeding monkeys (Vervets and Sykes)

4. Petting cheetahs

5. Riding a camel

6. Riding horses (on the beach)

7. Meeting my friend the water buffalo Buchanan 

8. Being bombarded by baboons

9. Petting a baby elephant

10. And as of yesterday...holding a lion cub!!!

:-D

So Much

I'm realizing that one of the main times when I blog is when things have been tough...and I need to change that. Even though I will talk about this weekend (not so hot) before I do that I think I should say how amazing Mt. Kenya was. It was our long weekend which we left on Friday and didn't come back till Tuesday. I'm discovering too that I LOVE camping. I want to do it more when I get back to the states. But besides that, yes it was a lot of fun. Being only with a few students, two of whom were my girls Jo and Joy (yez zer), petting/ feeding Syke monkeys (AMAZING!), and of course climbing a mountain. NO: I didn't climb to the peak, after having mountain sickness since the night before my body was done and decided that climbing to a good spot to see the sunrise was good enough for me.
When we got back though we were hit with hard new. The Mpiima family suffered the loss of there newborn child Lucy at 32 days old. We had the funeral on Wednesday, which the whole school attended, which I was very proud of them for. It was my first funeral of a child and it hit me...hard. It was really bad. And from there things seemed to spiral down.
Since I have been here calling home has mainly been to let them know I'm alive. But on Thursday I needed my Mom. We talked for an hour of everything that was going on from the funeral, to Darren, other things, about the girls in the dorm. It helped. Until the next day.
Things with the girls have been getting out of control. Once again I am hearing that I don't respect them and that I have not authority or right to tell/ ask them to do anything. Sad to say...it's getting to me. I don't like being walked on, I hate it! But here I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it. You may say well, sure you can, where's the dean? What about the principle?....I guess all I can say in that is I wish things were different in the discipline side of things here. I was so upset about it all that I didn't eat for two days. Just didn't want to. And then Friday happens.
I have another girl who tells me that she will not do what I ask her to do, and tells me that Jesus and church are more important so she stalks out to vespers. I left the dorm around 10:45 that night and was over with Yani and Derek till after midnight balling my eyes out. (I'm very thankful to them, don't know what I'd do without them)
Sabbath was better after letting some of it out, but for the most part I had just turned everything off. It's not hard for me to be an introvert. It's my protection mechanism. Saturday night was fun. The girls club has been doing secret sister all week and that night Winta, Cynthia, Bri and I were putting food together for brunch the next day and hanging out in the office. Lets just say, they were rolling on the floor laughing and I now have two pairs of jeans that have wholes in the butt.
With the brunch and everything going on, I shut down. I did as I was asked, I helped the girls when they needed me, I was where I was suppose to be. Other wise I wasn't there (mentally) I was so mad at the girls. We had been up since 6:30 cooking for them and they are complaining and being so ungrateful. Must be nice to be raised with a silver spoon in your mouth. It's to the point where I just want to be home. I mean I don't want to be home, I just don't want to be a assistant girls dean. It's hard and painful. I don't know how Susan can do it. I guess like Derek said, I just haven't found a way to deal with it.
There's many things that have been on my mind this week. Soo much. Feeling like I've lost a friend (or at least messing things up majorly) to wanting to give up, realizing that it's really time to let go even though it still makes me cry a little. But as I sit here now the big thing that's on my mind is a question that was presented to me twice this week: Where do you want to be in your life?
The first time I aswered I was told it was very generic. Granted that was my answer, and yes also I didn't want to tell something so personal. It takes me a long time to let people in cause once I do, I plan on them sticking around for a long long time. But I've had many who haven't and I'm not ready to cry myself to sleep at night like that again.
It is a good question to ask, and hopefully I'll have an answer one day. But like I told Kent and Susan, " How can I think about twenty years from now, when I'm just trying to make it through today?"
God tells us to not worry about the future for the future has enough worries of it's own. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo.I'm still looking over my shoulder at my past, with my feet in the present but my hand on the door knob of the future. I can say I'm getting better with my past. It still hurts. I can't help but think that something good can happen twice, but I know it can. As a friend pointed out, hopefully I won't put up so many walls that I miss it.

How Am I Doing?....good question.

I don't know where to start. If I can figure out where the beginning is then starting there is probably the best place. For the last several weeks I have just felt...______(in the in blank). I can't even explain it. I have felt out of it, angry, annoyed, upset, frustrated, and probably more than anything... alone. There are times when I wish that I could just go talk with a friend and spill my guts. Just let everything go. But I don't feel like I can do that. The people here are great, but sometimes you need someone who isn't connected to the situation. And in this case there are so many situations that I feel too many people I know are connected.
I say that I've felt all these things and yet there is no way for me to put it into words. (Yes I know; shocking) But I couldn't and probably still can't. But after joint worship I found out I didn't have too. Jessica and I had a big heart to heart and I realized that much of what I was feeling, she was also. We here as a staff are tired. We are worn out. We have run out course. At least that is with most of us. People are so negative here. There isn't much positive and when there is, its never enough; something always has to be wrong. Instead of looking at the students and praising them for there individuality we look at them as a whole and sigh when they walk into the classroom or dorm. There is no more giving amongst us. Or if there is it is few and far between. When I first came here I was ready to do any and everything that was asked of me. You name it, I would do my best to be there and help out. But now...I don't want too. Or at least that was a strong feeling I was having before. Why should I give of my time to help, when no ones will give of theirs? I feel at times like we are stingy, and that in order for us to keep our sanity we don't see what we can do to help someone else out. There's so much more to this...so much more, but I don't think I can write it all down.
In the end it was really good that Jess and I got to talk. Even though I can't explain it I feel that God has really shown me what I need to do here. But it's so hard. How do you give when people don't give back?
Another big issue that has un-earthed this week is our lack on communication skills. Not only with the staff but with the other SM's. And it is so bad! All of us! There isn't just one to blame. But grr it's so frustrating! It's to the point where were are just done. We are tired of trying to communicate, when no one is going to be happy. We are tired of putting in the effort when others don't. I'm just tired...
You know one thing I hate the most? The weekends. Even though I know I need a break, I rather be on than off. I feel so alone on weekends that it isn't even funny. I wish I could pick up the phone, or get a text from one of my friends back home so bad. I just wish that someone was here. I can't talk with the people here cause it's too close to home. And the people I have at home, I cant talk to either. I hate this. Things are different with my mom and I. I don't share things with my dad because I know it is something that he doesn't want to hear about. My friends are living there lives....and I'm in Africa. And of course when someone does try to be there, I put my guard up cause I don't want to be hurt. (Man do I sound like a mess or what?)  I know this blog doesn't make sense but then again, not much is making sense to me now a days. I told Susan that we have 103 days till graduation, "getting anxious?" And honestly, yes. I think I am. I mean I'm happy I'm here, I wouldn't change coming here. Things are better with the girls, for the most part, and I'm enjoying myself. But...I don't know. I'm just anxious.

It Doesn't Matter How Old We Are

I'm starting to feel that this blog is more about my personal problems/ feelings than my experience in Kenya. But then again the things I go through and the feelings I have shape my experience in Kenya, so I guess it fits.
Divorce. Who thought that one word could mean so much and hurt so bad. Since starting this new sem I've felt like the girls and I get a long better. Maybe it's because we know where each other stands. Maybe it's because we are just use to each other after five months of "living" together. Or maybe, it's because they see that I'm not here to ruin their lives, and I know  that they aren't here to make me pull my hair out (most of the time).
Last night I was blown away to have one of my girls come in and actually tell me what was going on with her. It's not that she and I don't talk, we actually get along really well. She makes me laugh so much :) But she's never opened up to me like this before. Sad to say it wasn't a fun topic to talk about. She kept telling me how she was just done, how she couldn't take it anymore, and how she wish she knew what to do. When she would say the last she would just look at me as if begging me to give her the answers to make it all ok. But I couldn't. How do I help someone when I'm still stuck in the middle of it? How do I help them not hurt, even though whenever I talk with my either one of my parents I still feel hollow?
It's amazing to me how our parents, the ones who are suppose to be so strong, have all the answers, and love us unconditionally, are the ones that can hurt us so much. I know if either one of my parents were to see this it would bring tears to their eyes, but actions have consequences. I feel that we kids who have been apart of a divorce can relate to each other better than those who haven't. And yet when this girl was talking with me, there were no answers to be give. It's as if there's this quiet understanding of no words need to be said; someone just needs to be there. Even though my Dad and brother left my freshman year, it was really hard my senior year. There was still so much going on. I'm grateful that I had Jake at that time, cause even though he didn't understand he was there to help me get through it.
And now here I am four more years down the road and it's still hard. To have a dad who has moved on, and a mother who wont let go. Divorce never gets easy to deal with no matter how old we are. It still hurts. There are no answers, or if there are; sometimes they're just to hard to handle.
I'm glad that she was able to come and talk with me. I'm glad that I'm one of the few staff members she feels like she can talk too. Please pray for this beautiful young lady. She has so much to offer and God has truly blessed her life. Just like he's blessed mine. The sun always shines after it rains. 

Where Are You?

I'm sitting here in my room with the realizations of my life crashing against me like the waves on a beach. How is it that sometimes we can feel so close to God, and we feel that He is here for us and yet in those late hours of the night when we feel most vulnerable it is so hard to feel Him. Why isn't He here?
And then I go to thinking about people who have comforted me in the past and I so wish that they could be here for me. I wish I could be in their arms, just crying my eyes out. With their chin on my head, not saying anything just being there. I wish they were here so bad right now. I have people here that care and want to help, but how can I let out my frustrations and tears without telling to much that in my mind, could hurt my family?  I can't help but want someone here who knows my past, and what I've been through. And yet, God knows everything's....but why can't I feel His arms around me? I know I can pick up the phone and call family, but they don't want to hear about. They've had too much of it themselves that they are done. They don't want to face the realizations that I am facing now, because they have faced them once before and that's enough for them. I don't blame them. It's hard walking through a door that's already been closed. I just wish you were here, oh how I wish.